TFMR: Remembering my first-not-to-be-child

Although time is a great healer, it still feels like it happened last week.

I’m terrible. I still have my pregnancy folder and scans stuffed in a canvas bag in a storage box in the loft. I couldn’t throw them out but I can’t face to look at them. I need them in my life, so I still have my attachment to my first-not-to-be-child.

Every 18th July, I sit and think hard to the whole experience, like opening up an old wound up  – being 16 weeks pregnant, having spent the whole period of time from the 12 week scan to then not knowing the fate of my unborn child. The phone call, “It’s not good news I’m afraid”, calling my husband, texting my mum…crying, screaming, aching and longing for everything not to be true.

Even with my Rainbow in my arms, she’s nine months old, I feel the burn in my heart of missing and longing for my first-not-to-be-child. It won’t ever go away, and although painful, I wouldn’t want it to. It mine to keep and hold forever.

I light my candle, close my eyes and feel the warmth of the flame across my cheeks as I smell the fragrance – something white linen.

“I love you my darling angel. We never got to meet this time but I am here and you are with me in my heart everyday and I love you so much. In my darling daughter I feel you near, a gift from you to me and I love you, I love you, I love you”.

 

Coping during pregnancy, after TFMR

You find yourself wanting to NEVER say the words, “I’m pregnant”, in fear that it might just disappear at the click of a finger. That if you keep it a secret, you can keep it safe and not expose it to the cruelties of the world. Nothing can happen to it if no one knows about it.

The early days, before the twelve week scan, were the most anxious (of course). I expected to miscarry – I was down on my luck with what happened last time and it wasn’t going to happen for me (having a baby). Every toilet visit I was seeking out a blood stain and every twinge or cramp I thought, ‘This is it’. I was waiting for something bad to happen, that way when it did, I had already softened the blow by thinking the inevitable.

The morning of the first scan was a sickening experience. I thought back to last time – all the complications and tests, whispering doctors and the flicker of uncertainty in the air. Of course, I knew I would be high risk again, because of last time, so at least I knew that for sure.

The twelve week scan is the first hurdle. It’s not pleasant but it has to be done and there is absolutely every chance everything is fine. It’s so easy to say that and so easy to not feel it after a TFMR pregnancy but you have to think – what else can I do? I want a baby and this is the only way to it.

Right through to the twenty week scan, all my tests came back fine and I was fortunate to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. I was anxious through the whole thing but I found once I started telling people, I relaxed and enjoyed my pregnancy.

So apart from relaxing, how did I cope? KEEP BUSY.

I would advise anyone who is nervous and terrified in their new pregnancy to take on a new challenge – learn a new language, begin an evening course, join a local pilates or yoga class, practise Mindfulness or even take up knitting (cute booties right?)

My husband and I were renovating a house right through to when our Rainbow arrived. My days were filled with stripping and painting, queuing up in Screwfix, and tirelessly cleaning – dealing with having no kitchen for a whole summer! I was so busy and tired, my mind didn’t have time to think negative thoughts or ‘what if’s’. They saying is true, ‘The devil makes work for idle hands’.